Late Night Musings (or, "Blogging as Supreme Narcissism")

The latest critique held in Thesis Prep got me thinking about a few things.  It occurs to me that I don't see myself as much of an artist.  To back track a little, I'm reminded of some key ways in which I've always seen myself compared to "artists." 
It first became apparent as I was applying to colleges.  I attended a portfolio review at Syracuse university, and while the reviewer was flipping through my sketchbook, she would make a view vague approving remarks regarding the (in my opinion at the time) boring hand sketches.  Then she reached one page on which I'd dared to doodle a few anime-style characters.  I could practically feel the condescension when she told me that no school would be interested in "these little characters." A while later, I toured RISD.  Great school, but it was about the time I realized how difficult it might be to find a cheeseburger among the fifteen different vegan bars in the food court that I decided it wasn't for me.

For the record, I see nothing wrong with hand sketches, or with vegan food, or any of that (or either Syracuse University or RISD-- they're both excellent schools!).  What I'm saying here is that I'd firmly developed a fairly stereotypical view of artists as snobbish and distinctly different from myself. 

As for attending Providence College, the art department here has suited me fine thus far.  My classes gave me enough structured instructions and assignments that I knew what to do, and enough freedom that I never felt stifled.  Rather, I saw the assignments as a challenge, and a way to prove that I could do what they were asking of me.  I got really good at being in school. 

Now, in my senior year, I have to think about what I want to do.  I find myself sitting and staring at my sketchbook at a standstill for literally hours at a time.
"I want to draw __________."
I have no idea.  If I had my way, I'd just design characters all day, then play with ink and colors, then splatter paint around the walls, cover my hands in graphite, spend a week using every single tool and setting in photoshop, learn about every medium known to man, then come back and meet some knew characters on the next page of my sketchbook.  
But I suppose that's not practical right now.

I suppose what it comes down to currently is that I know a lot about what I am not, what I want to avoid, and how I see myself as "non-artist."  The next step is to work on what I want to do, and in what ways I might actually be able to consider myself an artist.


/rant.